Ok, it’s time to be honest and raw here.
This week is kicking my butt. Hard. I’m struggling to push past my anxiety to accomplish…well, anything. That’s the thing with Anxiety; you can have great days and weeks, even months, and then BAM!, you’re anxious, can’t sleep, stressing about everything, and struggling to make it through the day. That’s depressing as hell.
(Did I mention that my depression, and the depression of so many others, stems directly from anxiety?)
This week has been a trial, for sure. While my anxiety is generalized and seems to come from and be aggravated or triggered by any number of things, there are a few things making it worse this week.
Increased Work Pressure
The CEO/my boss is out of town (on a MUCH needed vacation!), leaving each of us with slightly increased workloads. Not a big deal usually, but the change in dynamic in the office has me seriously on edge. There’s a pressure to perform that is different than when he is here, and I feel like I’m forced to rely on a few other people in the office to accomplish certain tasks, leaving me dependent on their performance to succeed myself.
Stressed Husband Is Stressed
I mean, he’s usually at least a LITTLE stressed, but the last 2-3 weeks takes the cake, especially this week. He’s majorly overloaded already, carrying the workload of several people and working late into the evening. With the CEO gone, he’s got more additional workload than the rest of us on his plate, and a responsibility on his shoulders that no one else carries. To top it off, one of the members of his team had to take an unplanned trip due to a family emergency, placing yet another full load of work on my husband’s shoulders.
This means working late in to the evening every night, in to the office early every morning, and work the entire weekend. It’s necessary, and as he says, “It’s a sprint”, but it still sucks. It’s hard for me schedule-wise, as it becomes difficult to plan meals and commute, and I also end up staying late at the office. It’s also incredibly difficult for me as his wife. I see the incredible stress he is under, I see it affecting his mood and his health, and I just want to FIX. I want to take it away, give him rest, and let him BREATHE. But I can’t. This is probably one of the greatest triggers for my anxiety, and it’s in full-force right now.
tw: sexual assault
Ok, bear with me here. I don’t think anyone needs to agree with my stance on certain political things to also experience anxiety from the political climate and current political issues. So, if we don’t see eye-to-eye on some of the specifics, let’s agree to disagree, yeah?
I’m not a fan of the current (2018) administration, and that runs fairly deep over several issues. However, there is something going on right now that is distressing, depressing, and triggering (you thought I was going for alliteration there, didn’t you?), and millions of women around the country, and likely the world, are grappling with it.
I’m sure you’re familiar with the Kavanaugh nomination, and by the time you read this, we may already know if he’s confirmed or not. He has been credibly accused of sexual assault by at least two women at this point, one of whom testified recently at his confirmation hearing and ultimately prompted an FBI investigation. I don’t want to talk about the hearing, the investigation, or the nomination.
I do want to talk about society’s reaction to a woman coming forward about a sexual assault she experienced decades ago.
This brave woman, Dr. Ford, has been ridiculed, mocked, threatened (seriously, death threats!!), disbelieved, scoffed at, and dismissed. She relived her own hell and what was probably the worst day of her life in a brave testimony, and was picked apart by men (and some women) who didn’t give a sh*! about her or her experience. She was questioned as to why she didn’t report it earlier, especially “if it was that bad” (thank you, POTUS). Her treatment at the hands of our supposed representatives and leaders was absolutely disgraceful and horrific.
As a survivor of sexual assault myself, I was horrified. What if my family or the police had responded that way to me when I reported my abuse? The lasting emotional, mental, and even physical damage was terrible enough as it was, and still disrupts my life at regular intervals even now; I can’t even imagine if I was met with the type of response Dr. Ford was met with. I was extremely fortunate to have a loving and believing family to support me, and my case was handled with care by investigators and prosecutors. Even so, other people I opened up to were not so kind or believing, and I experienced a small amount of what Dr. Ford has gone through in this ordeal.
I know that there are millions of women everywhere who are reliving their own personal horror through this; I know I am. And I think of all the women who have yet to come forward, and perhaps never will now. I think about the women years from now who will be sexually assaulted and decide to never tell a soul because of what they saw these last few weeks. And it tears at my heart. I literally do not know how to handle this. I am angry, frightened, hurt, frustrated, terrified, and so, so sad.
My Weight Loss Journey
Ugh. Seriously. This is HARD work, and my anxiety is already so wrapped up in it. This week has made it incredibly difficult to maintain the good habits I’m building and the consistency I need to have to succeed. I’ve held on to my workouts with a death grip, but the rest… My snack choices have been questionable, I’ve splurged more than I should on greasy foods, and I BLEEWWWWW my calorie budget more than once this week.
I know, I know, “Be gentle with yourself!” Well, easier said than done. I have GOALS, and going backward is not getting me any closer to them. I worry constantly that if I slow down, I’ll stop and eventually revert, and never accomplish my weight loss goals.
As I mentioned earlier, there are good times; anxiety isn’t always this heavy weight that constantly has me on edge and keeps me up at night. This is just a hard week, or two or three. It will get better, and it will also get worse sometimes. I know and understand and anticipate that cycle, and while it really sucks, knowing what the cycle looks like helps get me through it. So does my wonderful husband, and other supportive people in my life.
If you are struggling with anxiety, don’t feel like you have to face that struggle all on your own; there are people who will face it with you, whether that’s family, friends, or professional help (WORTH IT). Don’t be afraid to ask for help!
What things are triggering your anxiety right now? Do you have questions for me? Leave a comment!